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Posted Over 1 Year ago by [scrubbed]

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There are 15 Replies


Damn. Are you out of that situation? On your own?

Over 1 Year ago
mariomguy

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Over 1 Year ago
[scrubbed]

You're not alone. My father was extremely abusive. He didn't help me. I didn't start to heal until after I was away from him for good. In fact, I'm starting to feel the same way even after my mother passed. Living on your own is important for healing. You need to feel free to be able to live your life your own way, without anyone forcing you to do otherwise.

Over 1 Year ago
mariomguy

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Over 1 Year ago
[scrubbed]

Try explaining it to her. If she doesn't understand, say she doesn't need to, but you do need help now. If there's something she's doing now to hurt you, it does help to link whatever she's doing with how it makes you feel. When you do blank it makes me feel blank because blank.

Of course, no one will be able to get how badly someone else hurt or affected you unless they experienced it themselves. You're mother seems insensitive and oblivious. Don't expect her to change. And make sure she knows you don't expect change, either. The worst thing you can do is expect someone to suddenly start treating you right when it has never happened before.

Over 1 Year ago
mariomguy

Going by my own experience —— which may not apply to yours at all —— even if you and your parents do your best to understand each other and apologize to each other and forgive each other, you may not be over it. If that’s so there may be something else going on in addition to your reaction to the abuse. If that’s the case then once your therapist (and you) recognizes that they may be able to help you figure out something to do about it. It may involve medication as well as habit modification and practice getting more control over your emotions and thoughts.
It’s too late for your father to say or hear anything.
Likely they’ll need to apologize to you more than you to them.
But there’s a good chance that if you understand what was going on with them at the time some of what they said or did will seem less wounding or more forgivable.
....
And a chance they won’t. I never became what my mom wanted me to be and she never quit thinking stuff I wish she hadn’t thought.
But mostly she overlooked it and was satisfied I was good enough; and I realized she really thought — at the time — that what she said and did was best for me, and it was because of the way she was brought up and misunderstood her own parents.
....
Anyway: in my case concerted and prolonged effort to forgive my parents and accept their sincere apologies didn’t solve all of my mental health issues.
A correct diagnosis and a correct prescription made a huge difference.

Over 1 Year ago
chiarizio
 

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Over 1 Year ago
[scrubbed]

Cognitive behavior therapy can work.
....
On average people who get cognitive behavior therapy or something like that and medication do better than people who get just behavior therapy or just medication.
But getting just one or the other should do you some good (statistically speaking). At least 20% better and maybe 80% better if I remember right.
And every patient is different. You may not need medicine. If your therapist recommends it she might help you find it. If she doesn’t think you need it you probably don’t.

Over 1 Year ago
chiarizio
 

Mguy: thank you, but I'm really just trying to take care of myself right now. I'm not sure if I will ever confront her about these things. Because I'm pretty sure that even if I get it across to her in a way where she does understand what she and my father did to me, it will hurt her deeply. I just don't want anyone to be hurt any more, right now.

This isn't the right mentality. If people hurt you and you don't mention how they're hurting you, they will continue to do so without realizing it. If you want to have any kind of relationship with your mother, this is a hurdle you need to jump over, not just stand by. Having secrets is one thing, but this is huge. If you feel your mother has hurt you, and will always hurt you, ignoring it is one of the worst things you can do.

Over 1 Year ago
mariomguy

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Over 1 Year ago
[scrubbed]

Well, since she's no longer in your life and you feel safe now, that's good. Sometimes there's simply no discussing anything with the other party. Getting away from the abuser is the most important thing. I didn't talk with my dad in 9 years. I tried talking with him before, it didn't work. He wants control over me, and that's something he's never going to receive.

Obviously you know your situation best. But I can give you some of my experience.

My father turned my aunt and uncle against me. Our family was very much "father is always right." So he kicked me out, and our relationship came to a sudden and abrupt end. I visited them one Christmas a couple years after the incident to talk about it. They wouldn't even let me in their home. I actually felt relieved because I knew I wasn't the problem. They were. Even if you think a conversation will go poorly, it's good to get in the mindset that no one can guilt you into feeling terrible just for being who you are. You can actually say you gave it your best shot, and come to terms with who these people are. That one final chance was important to me, because I never had an issue with my aunt or uncle. I gave them their chance to redeem themselves, and they failed.

Over 1 Year ago
mariomguy

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Over 1 Year ago
[scrubbed]

Sure. But I think this is important for everyone to know. Abuse does happen, it's more common than you think, and trying to "keep the family together" is not always the best answer. In my case I was so worried that it was my fault, and when my aunt and uncle failed me, it turned out I wasn't the problem at all.

Over 1 Year ago
mariomguy

A lot of stuff I feel that has traumatized me too, honestly.

- Being yelled at by parents for things
- Other people (friends of my parents) yelling at me, hitting me on the head for doing stuff kids do, etc
- Abusive(verbally) P.E teacher in high school made me hate going to school. School would do nothing about it, parents didn't do anything about it. (said I was making it up, etc)
- Being told to shut up by people for crying and acting like a kid

Another common thing I notice among parents nowadays are the fact they don't wanna even interact/talk to their kids. They tell them to go away and other things.

Over 1 Year ago
Rika

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Over 1 Year ago
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