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Posted Over 1 Year ago by [scrubbed]

[scrubbed]

There are 7 Replies


I honestly don't get how parents can be like this. Always forcing their kids to do things they don't want to do, always trying to control their life. This makes me so mad...

Over 1 Year ago
mariomguy

Most (not all) parents do their best to prepare their children to live happy healthy successful lives.
This is impossible.
The parents’ resources are limited by (among other things) their own knowledge and understanding and, most of all, experience.
The best one can do is to prepare their child to live in the world the parent lived in, not the world the child will live in.
....
From the child’s point of view, some of the things a parent does to prepare the child to be healthy and successful at a later age, are quite against the child’s happiness in the nearer future. Children who figure this out early can use it to navigate their parents’ system and get more of what they want without evading what their parents think they need.
...
A few of the conflicts children have with their parents aren’t understood by the child until they have children of their own.

Over 1 Year ago
chiarizio
 

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Over 1 Year ago
[scrubbed]

^ Exactly. My dad kicked me out because, apparently, he thought I was gay. And I obviously wasn't. Doesn't matter I was there for him, doing the groceries, helping with the house, even helping him on his jobs while I was going through college. Doesn't matter that we made a deal and I stuck to it.

Real family just doesn't do that. I'm sorry you had this experience. You're not alone.

Over 1 Year ago
mariomguy

One would imagine that he himself was pretty repressed, as it often builds upon itself. I obviously didn't know your father, but it doesn't much sound like he himself was especially happy. Perhaps a consequence of his father being similar. I kinda hold the position that for a parent to truly prepare or set up their children for a happy, healthy life, they themselves need to have one to some extent. (Which isn't to say they are living anything resembling perfect lives. But how does someone who has maybe grown bitter over the course of their lives, feel repressed themselves, and live with a number of particularly unhealthy behaviors really prepare someone else to do anything else?)

At the same time, these cycles do break sometimes at some point. It also feels like people are pretty 50/50 in either becoming just like their repressed or emotionally unavailable parents, or specifically become the opposite *because* they experience that and it was miserable. Like Yoda says: we are what they grow beyond.

Anyway, sorry that was your experience with your father. That sucks. I know I've been pretty lucky in having a father who has never been perfect but always strived to be better, more supportive, and more open minded. I wish everyone could have that kind of experience with all their parental figures.

Over 1 Year ago
Jet Presto

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Over 1 Year ago
[scrubbed]

My basic problem with my father was that he was not fully capable or didn’t fully succeed in protecting us children from our mother.
Our problem with our mother was that she assumed the mistakes (or whatever) her father made in bringing her up were for her own good and thus would be for our good too.
My father apologized to me when I was almost forty for having prepared me to live his life rather than my own.
When I was almost fifty I understood him.
I think I was angry at my mother until my father died. I never did decide that she was right; I still don’t think so. But I quit being angry about it.

Some kids have problems their parents had no reason to anticipate and couldn’t reasonably expect to be prepared to deal with.
I think I was one of those; I think my own daughter was one of those.

Sometimes external circumstances make it impossible even for reasonably prepared parents of normal, healthy kids to do right by them.
When my nephew was young my niece was sickly and their house was under threat. He grew up thinking nothing he did would ever get his parents’ attention. Well, my sister tells me (and him!), for a large part of his childhood that was largely true; whenever they paid attention to him some medical emergency of his sister or some looming natural disaster threatening their house would soon distract them.

....

None of which excuses, nor is even necessarily similar to, any of the parent-child relationships mentioned by previous responders in this thread.

....

I’m just saying that some of the things I’ve mentioned are frequent among a majority or large minorities of other parent-child relationships.

....

It’s common for children to believe that everything their parents do with them is meant for their own good.
About one-third to two-thirds of the people whose parents mistreated them (accidentally or purposefully) go on to mistreat their own children.
About one-third to two-thirds don’t.
So if your parents raised you wrong that’ll make the odds you raise your own kid wrong go up. But you still have a pretty good chance of breaking the chain.

Over 1 Year ago
chiarizio
 

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